God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him ~Matthew 5
Before I became ill with M.E., I always did all the menu planning and grocery shopping for our family of 5. We were often on the run with little league, musicals and ballet, but I always had meals planned and prepared for the family. Accomplishing this on a minimal budget was challenging, but I always found a way to make it work. I even got very good at planning a 2 week menu and doing one large shopping trip every 2 weeks.
As my illness progressed, it became harder and harder to do the grocery shopping. My husband started coming with me to help me out. Then I had to start using the stores electric scooter. Eventually, I just couldn’t do it anymore. And I had to leave it all up to him.
The thing about grocery shopping is that no matter how detailed you make the list, there are decisions that have to be made in the store. And he makes different choices than I do!
He would get home from shopping, and I would help him unpack the groceries, mumbling under my breath at every choice he made that was different from what I would have chosen if I had been able to shop.
When I allowed this to frustrate me, it was hard on our relationship. He was doing his best, and I wasn’t so much frustrated with him, as I was with the fact that I didn’t get to make the choices any more. I wasn’t accepting the new fact that I needed him and I wasn’t embracing his willingness to add another huge chore onto his already long list. My eyes and thoughts were on what I was losing, not on what I was gaining.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming to realize how reliant I am upon other people, especially my husband. This imposed dependence has quite the potential to break down even a good relationship. The harder I try to hold onto independence, the more it challenges the relationship.
The same goes for my relationship with God. Living the last 12 years with M.E. has shown me just how much I need Him in my life. The more needy I become, the more I am blessed by God’s presence and activity in my life.
And just like my relationship with my husband, in order to experience those blessings, I have to let go of control and admit my needs. It’s only then that I can see the blessings of his provision and faithfulness.
This is just one of the things I am glad to have learned in this journey with M.E.