Every child experiences fear. There is fear of the dark, fear of thunderstorms, and fear of “things” under the bed. In the past year, children have also experienced adult-sized fears.
Three weeks after the September 11 Twin Towers tragedy, I was packing my bags to fly to Alaska. My eight-year-old kept hugging me and telling me he didn’t want me to go. My 11-year-old tearfully asked me what she would do if I didn’t come home.
My children were fearful for my safety, and the truth was, so was I.
How do we help our children deal with difficult fears such as these? I have discovered three important factors in calming my children’s distress.
Emphasize God’s goodness.
It’s tempting to dismiss our children’s fears and assure them that nothing bad will happen. But if we do, we may be setting them up to feel abandoned or lied to. I couldn’t promise my kids that I would be safe on that flight or that nothing would happen to me. I didn’t have control over who else might board and what their motives would be—just as I don’t have control over other drivers on the road, and I can’t stop disease from entering my body.
It’s important to help our children feel confident in God’s goodness, even when the answer to their prayers or the outcome of a situation may look different from what they had wanted. Although I couldn’t promise my children I would be safe, I could promise them that God loved them and would always be with them and take care of them. I promised them that He would only allow what was best for me, for them, and for His perfect plans.
King David experienced many moments of fear, yet in Psalm 34 we find him focused on God’s goodness. David reviewed the many times God had already rescued him. This led him to trust God with all of his present fears.
I have found that David’s process of remembering God’s goodness is necessary for my children and me. On the day before my trip, we sat down together and made it a game to see how many good things we could remember about God. By the end, instead of being filled with fear, my kids were joyful over the many blessings they have received from God. I have tried to teach my children to look for God’s goodness in all situations—good or bad.
Teach them to pray.
I have always felt that it was important to teach my children to take their fears to God. Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” When my kids were very small, I would pray out loud for them. I prayed for God’s protection and thanked Him for His goodness and love. As my children grew, I encouraged them to pray out loud after I had prayed. Then I began encouraging them to pray first. Over the years, they have learned to tell God about their fears and to thank Him in advance for His help.
We have also spent time memorizing verses that remind us of God’s love and protection. I encourage my children to say these verses quietly until they fall asleep. One of their favorites has been Ps. 56:3–4
“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”
When they were young, my children enjoyed a song with these verses. I would often hear them humming it in bed after the lights were out.
As I left for Alaska that day, I reminded them that if they felt fearful they could pray anywhere and anytime. The Bible verses they had memorized were in their hearts, and God was with them at all times.
Model Trust
How do you handle fear? Our children perceive much more than we generally give them credit for. They see our fear, and they watch us when we worry, obsess about problems, and try to control outcomes. Children see right through us when we teach one thing and live another.
As my children and I talked about my upcoming trip, I knew that I had to put my own fears in God’s hands. I modeled the steps I had taught my children. We remembered together how God had brought about this trip and talked about the wonderful things He could do through it. We recalled the many trips I had taken in the past, the great works God had done, and the safety He had provided. Then we prayed together. We prayed for my safety, for the person who would sit next to me on the plane, and for the people I would meet. We asked God to help us trust Him—no matter what happened.
By the time I left, all of us were excited about my trip. The children slept great while I was gone, and they prayed for me each day. My daughter told me later that she still didn’t know how she would live without me, but that she was confident God would help her if that’s what she had to do. Now that’s real trust!
What are some of the things you do to help your children deal with fear?
Written by Melanie Pruitt ©2002
“How Do I Help My Children Deal With Fear?” Originally Published in the July | August 2002 issue of Discipleship Journal
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